Chapter 3 | My Story

It's been a little over a year since I wrote the second part of this little story of my mind so there's a lot to catch up on. It's going to be a rambly one so I hope you can bare with me. My mental health hasn't changed in the dramatic way that I was hoping for this time last year. But I have learnt to trust the undeniably lengthy process and it's important that I remind myself of the changes that have happened, as they're not always as small as I think they are.

I learn more and more about myself every single day. I am getting to know how my mind works and why I think the way I do. For example I can recognise the early signs of feeling anxious and I know which situations intensify my anxiety, but I haven't quite figured out how to manage it yet. Fortunately I don't suffer from panic attacks but I still experience physical symptoms - certainly not as severe but they can still have a significant impact in certain situations.

I think in one of previous posts, I mentioned that I don't like going into shops, which I still unfortunately hate. In fact any brightly lit busy environment is a no no for my anxiety. It's a feeling of being exposed and 'seen', which might sound absurd to some but it makes me feel dizzy and disassociated from my surroundings. It's not that I can't go into shops full stop because of course I regularly do, but I wish I didn't have the feelings about it that I do. I think it's worse that I get these feelings in "everyday" situations as that's what I feel makes the whole mental illness thing so frustrating, because it's these exact reasons that make me feel so "abnormal" sometimes. What even is normal and what makes a person more normal than the next. I don't have the answer but I do know that having a mental illness makes me feel abnormal on a daily basis. Is this just a product of my low self esteem or is it because I've had drilled into me that having a mental illness isn't really commonplace? I think the latter and I know a large majority of people think the same as I do.

When I wrote my part 2 I didn't have a job which at the time I thought was quite a significant factor in how I was feeling. In fact I was told regularly that getting a job would probably be the answer to my prayers and I believed it. That was wrong of course. I mean, having a job has helped in a lot of ways and it means that I'm not stuck inside all the time, but it wasn't the magical cure I was frequently promised. Claiming anything to be a cure is a bit overzealous anyway but you start to believe anything and everything just for the slight shred of hope that these 'normal' things that 'normal' people do will rein you back into 'normality'. Obviously this is absolutely ridiculous because someone with a mental illness isn't an entirely different species than the rest of mankind, yet there's still so much out there that makes us believe that we are. I know my job hasn't fixed my problems for me, just like how I know going on holiday won't fix my problems, or going to university and so on. It's just a lesson learnt that quick fixes aren't the answer to my prayers after all and I have to continue trudging along the long road. But it's on the long road where I will learn the most so I know I just have to keep trusting the process, and so long as I keep telling myself this I think I will be ok.

The largest hurdle I struggle to surpass is my own cynical attitude about myself. I want to raise as much money as I can for my Kilimanjaro trek, I want to exercise regularly, I want to progress in my career and pursue other ventures. I want to want to do things. I feel so prevented to achieve my goals sometimes because I feel so defeated. Every idea is immediately a waste of time before it's even had a chance to develop as a potential something in my head. I would love more than anything to find the motivation I had two years ago. I'm not lazy, I shouldn't even have to justify that when I talk about things like this, but I feel like I always have to find a really good excuse as to why I don't do things, because depression never seems to be a good enough one.

I wish a lot of people would realise that it's the small things like that, that make mental illness so difficult. Simply knowing that mental illness exists isn't enough. I feel that not enough people are willing to learn about it because they feel it doesn't affect them. I think mental health affects everybody, whether it's minimally or severely, and there's a lot more to it than depression or anxiety. Stress, anger and sleep problems fall under the bracket. Have you ever felt really stressed? That's related to mental health. Maybe you haven't experienced depression and if you haven't I consider you very fortunate, but I believe that every one of us will experience something mental health related at least once in our lives, and it doesn't have to be something like depression. It's something we should all take very seriously, like with any illness, because it's around us whether we may like it or not. Just like any physical illness. Start learning about mental illness now. It's so important and it's more than just learning, it's life saving.

KILIMANJARO UPDATE - FUNDRAISING, FITNESS & OTHER

I have now rescheduled my trek twice, the second time being a couple of weeks ago, both times due to my fundraising not going to plan. I am confident that this time I will reach my target and I will now be doing the trek on 11th - 22nd October this year which is actually much better timing for me so I'm putting this down to a 'everything happens for a reason' kind of situation (I'm actually just a terrible fundraiser).

Fundraising struggles

Definitely quite the struggle - I really underestimated how difficult it would be to fundraise such a large amount of money. So many people have donated and have been so wonderfully generous but I think my downfall was relying too much on only donations. I don't mean that to have negative connotations, I know people will continue to be wonderful and donate but as I would like to raise as much as I possibly can, I should have tried harder from the beginning to source donations in other ways. Lesson learnt - start sooner. There's no such thing as too much fundraising. 

I have a few events planned over the next couple of months, and I plan to self fund as much as I can too. A couple of ideas I had over the course of the year unfortunately fell through and when things like that happen I do honestly become quite disheartened. I don't think anyone likes asking people for money even if it is for charity, so sometimes I do feel a bit like a house fly that won't bugger off. I try to raise awareness for mental health as much as I can too which is just as, if not more important, and is the reason I started my blog in the first place. I haven't written an awful lot yet but I would love to eventually have at least one post per week. Failing that, I do try to share as much as I can on social media about mental health, mostly videos and posts about other peoples stories and my own blog.

How is my training going?

Bloody terribly that's how. I always think I have a generally good level of fitness but as it goes, I don't. I was much fitter in 2015, I used to exercise a fair bit and ate a lot healthier and I sometimes still kid myself that I'm still in the same shape but I'm definitely not. I have a lot to work on fitness-wise and there is no one to blame but myself on this one. I really struggle with self motivation in any situation, especially fitness and whilst I'm not in a terrible shape, I am certainly not extreme trek-ready. Although recently I have started walking, both up fells and in flatter areas, and I track my miles on my phone which I get far too excited by. Another lesson learnt is that I should have started a lot sooner. I still have a fair few months to go but like with the fundraising, it wouldn't have hurt to have gone the extra mile to begin with.

My fitness goals are to up the miles with my walking and do more mountains, start cycling again and improve my diet.

Things I am nervous about

Getting altitude sickness, not reaching the summit, spiders/all insects, becoming ill before I go or getting an injury, having to reschedule for a third time because of a reason beyond my control.

Things I am excited about

Reaching my fundraising target and sending the funds to Mind, (hopefully) reaching the summit, just the trek itself as I love walking, the experience of visiting a continent I have never been to, and a whole array of other wonderful things.

Would I do another big event?

I think I would like to focus more on fundraising and raising awareness consistently in my spare time instead of just dong events. Saying that, I would really love to do Everest base camp and also cycle from London to Paris. I am also interested in volunteering for Mind or another mental health charity/other charity and it's something I am going to look into soon.

My advice to fellow fundraisers 

Start fundraising and training as early on as you can. Don't be afraid to ask others for advice, there will always be at least one lovely person willing to be of assistance, if not more. You're doing a lot better than you think you are, and never forget to remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing if you start to become a little disheartened or overwhelmed. All your hard work and effort will be more than worth it in the end and every little milestone is making a massive difference to your chosen charity, so never think you are not doing enough, because you're doing so much more good than you think. Best of luck!

HOW I COPE WITH MY ANXIETY

I was going to name this post "How To Cope with Your Anxiety" but if we're going to be real, we have to understand that each mental and physical illness is unique to each person. Not every tip or trick is guaranteed to help everyone, nor are everyones circumstances the same. But saying that, I think it's worth sharing tips and tricks regardless because you never know who they could help!

1. Having my own space. My anxiety affects me in a way which means I sometimes struggle being in an environment where there's a lot of people around me. Having my own space is important for me to be able to 'function', which is how I like to describe it because I know I feel perfectly comfortable in my own company and it's my perfect escape when I feel overwhelmed. Find your perfect escape and use it to your advantage.

2. Training my brain. I have a funny little technique where I literally tell myself over and over again that I'm so excited about something even when I'm really not. I think if I tell myself I'm looking forward to something then I naturally start to think about the positives in that situation instead of immediately thinking of the negatives. Sometimes it is a full day job but it has worked to my advantage so far.

3. Doing more of what scares me. One thing I absolutely hate is talking on the phone, especially if it's an impromptu phone call where I don't have time to plan what I'm going to say. I work in an office where I do need to answer the phone and I never thought I'd say this and I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I'm actually getting used to it now. I even offered to call somewhere for someone recently which is normally a massive no-no for me. Yay yay yay

4. Seeking outside help. Don't be afraid to seek out help from someone, i.e a counsellor or cognitive behavioural therapist. Find what works for you and I promise, you will not regret it.

5. Talking to others. The most important of all - talking is the biggest source of relief in my opinion. It unclogs your head whilst also educating those around you which hand in hand creates a much better environment to live in if you suffer with a mental illness. Make that first step now, it could be life-changing.

What are your tips for coping with anxiety/mental illness?

Georgie